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5th anniversary – jealousy

yes, today is our 5th year anniversary – but – my version of anniversary 🙂

soooo, our love is being celebrated in several versions.. every 3rd day of the month, we called it monthiversary, and every july 15th for my-side anniversary, and every october 27th for his-side anniversary… we usually do our best to bring ourselves to set a real date and talk about love and life… we had been so busy even before our marriage so we kinda get used to not having the saturday date…

i find setting up fixed date for a romantic date is very helpful.. when my days was rough (or when i just crashed the car – cause he really cares in giving such attention to stuffs), then i go home and meet my hubby in a really bad mood, then of course i would not say anything right away (if it is not that urgent to talk about).. so in our dates, we’re so ready that at that moment we should be honest to each other… so, small things happened during the month will come out every 3rd of the month and big stuff like life planning will go to the anniversaries…

and after 5 years.. oh my so hard these days, but well, of course, we’re getting know each other so well, fight a lot, hug a lot more, and i think what we are missing now -due to being busy- is a chance to chitchat… like today, my hubby is working far away at Batam, while i’m working (and bring along my baby Stan with me..) and spending lots of time on the street just me and my baby.. we do miss him..

so today is one of our luv dates, but we will not have any real date since we are in different places right now.. meanwhile, i am chatting with some (best?) friends (and many other people) and they are currently asking me about:

jealousy

how can my hubby and i – not being together for several days, several weeks, or even several months.. and still okay.. wait, am i okay?

hmm, when i’m not with him, for sure – this mama don’t spend her life crying.. so i think i am okay.. i am doing my best to do any fun activity… or work.. or google around… and i believe he does the same thing, he will most probably work and have fun when i’m not by his side.. so i should be okay..

Jealousy is a secondary emotion and typically refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something that the person values, particularly in reference to a human connection.

Jealousy often consists of a combination of presenting emotions such as anger, sadness, resentment and disgust. It is not to be confused with envy.” [wikipedia]

see.. jealous IS feeling insecure, do i feel it?

well, see, i can confidently say i’m okay – i’m a woman who knows how to take care of herself and her baby.. i know what i am doing and what i want in life.. and i am so confident that he loves me.. and I’m aware that I’m not perfect… i know i’m not a model.. might not have a good figure, but hey, i believe i’m ok and sexy-ish (anyway, sexy is a state of mind… right? ^^, ) being imperfect – i can easily burst into anger, clumsy, and moody.. i’m aware of those too.. so i know who i am… that’s the most important… i’m exploring my strength(s) and weakness(es) so i can always feel secure because i know what to improve… and i can do everything on my own (but would be happier if i have my hubby by my side…) so i can be okay right?

“jealous” –adjective
1.
feeling resentment against someone because of that person’s rivalry, success, or advantages (often followed by of ): He was jealous of his rich brother.
2.
feeling resentment because of another’s success, advantage, etc. (often followed by of ): He was jealous of his brother’s wealth.
3.
characterized by or proceeding from suspicious fears or envious resentment: a jealous rage; jealous intrigues.
“[dictionary.com]

jealous is overthinking… i don’t want to spend any second to think about any what if-s… (like what people have said to me)… what if some “bad things” happen out there… NOOO… (i wonder why people around me like to do the effort to put such bad ideas in my head… it is poisoning me…) but i am okay.. maybe cry a bit, but then i’d prefer to go to the mall with my baby Stan… have fun…. manage my time to work on my paper and read my novels (that i bought months ago but never had the chance to read…) with my baby around… there are sooooo many things i’ve gotta learn and manage to make me feel okay instead of being overthinking of stupid things in this luv day, oh i think i should say something to him so we can learn these together, no? but he might be busy today, no? or maybe later when he gets home, no? hell, i am okay..

(i kept on saying that i am okay, huh? that’s weird – i’m probably doing the overthinking right now, am i not?)

well, i love him, when he’s away what i’m jealous at is his opportunity to go to Batam, not to him… hihihi…. oooops, that’s different..

i think, it is “envy”

yes, i do envy him because he could have the opportunity to travel here and there a lot (especially lately), oh my.. wish i could have that opportunity T.T oh please dearGod… i know, my traveling time will come one day.. maybe when my baby grows a bit more.. or even older so he can do the traveling with me.. for i miss traveling so much..

now it is time to have fun and treat myself, anyway it’s my luv day… and it’s my LIFE, my HAPPINESS.. so happy luv my luv.. gonna have a delicious bowl of vanilla ice cream as my dinner ^^ haha